editor: fred miller April 1, 2023 special edition/april/2023
Hello,
This is a special edition of the Wire. We're calling it Weird cause... you know. We added more bodies to the research department for this issue and they spent many hours pouring over documents, talking to sources, and finally writing the gems you are about to read. We hope you like it.
fred
BISBEE RESTAURANT ROUNDUP
Big changes in the local food scene. I'm not sure why it all happened this suddenly but restaurants have been known to do crazy things. Let's start with Cafe Roka...
...a big name change that will take effect next week. RocknRoll RokaRice!. Owner Rod Kass said he was really tired of people asking about the restaurant name, which is the first two letters of each of his names, so with the new name, no more pesky questions! RocknRoll RokaRice! will feature, ta da! Rice. "It'll be my version of Rice-a-Roni, and of course we can't use that trademarked name so it will be Rice-ala Rod&Raul. Raul Berrios is my left and right hand in the kitchen so it is only proper that he is also acknowledged. We will have Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, Hawaiian, Russian, and Bavarian." Raul added that he had made a special rice pudding for dessert. And in another switch it will be a serve yourself buffet-no more pesky servers! And a serve yourself bar! "Said customer I. M. Chuffed, "It is so nice to sit at the bar and not have to listen to the mumblings of that former bartender. He just went on an on, maybe getting a bit senile ya think?"
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"The Quarry Quilt and Waffle House has a nice homey ring," said owner Dana House. "We were really tired of meatloaf and burgers!" She went on to mention the soothing new color scheme of pink and puce and that they would be featuring chamber music from now on. Of course it will be loud chamber music she stated. She pointed to the unusual looking ceiling sound baffles and told us that putting the uneaten waffles on the ceiling really improved the acoustics. The waffles will be made of 100% artisanal wheat flour, stone ground, that comes from an antique farm deep in Sulphur Springs valley with no electricity. fed by a hidden creek, and will feature toppings of your choice with the special maple syrup flown in from Canada, nuts from Macadamia, and honey from Hawaii. "We're going all out," she said.
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Murmuring Minnow, a new restaurant in the former Screaming Banshee spot, is a fish house sublime. The staple of the menu is, of course, minnows! Owner Keri Blankenship, her voice hoarse from screaming so much, was excited about the new concept. "I've done the research and there is not another restaurant that features Minnows! And right here in Bisbee!" She mentioned that there would be tableside cooking, filleting, and plating of minnows so customers can get at upclose look at what goes into the preparation. In addition to Minnows your way, the menu will feature Bluegills from Wisconsin, Muskie from Michigan, Northern Pike from Southern Minnesota, and that ole standby, Catfish from Chicago.
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And the owner of Thuy's Noodle Shop has stopped serving Street Food. "It is time for the residents of Bisbee to be treated to high end Vietnamese food! They have never tasted the sublime Golden Noodles, that have gold threads right in the noodles!" she said. She mentioned that the pork she uses will come from pigs that have been massaged twice a day and fed organic leftovers. "It's high time for high end!" she said emphatically.
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Taqueria Outlaw, one of the new restaurants in town, is already doing a makeover on his menu and the name. "Tacos," said owner Mike Clements, "are so old school and they just don't move me any more." His new menu at Tofu Outlaw, caters to the ten vegans in town, with Tofu done your way; pan broiled, char broiled, charcoal broiled, pan fried, stir fried, deep fried, sauteed, steamed, braised, roasted, and sous vide. Although vegans are notoriously picky eaters-always on the hunt for protein-Clements thinks his new menu will 'get em in the gut'.
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Le Cornucopia has dropped the pretense and will now be name Goat's Horn. Chef Thayer Kuehne will also be dropping Tapas. She said,"I'm so tired of making these teeny teeny plates! Don't those Spaniards ever eat anything more than two bites? Does anyone know how much friggen time it takes to make them?" Her new menu will feature pierogis and bratwurst with four different kinds of sauerkraut., on top of a plate of purple and red potato tots.
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The Copper Queen Hotel has thrown in the towel. They will not be serving food any longer. They will, however, be using the space for indoor yard sales. "Our customers need some variety when they come to Bisbee. With our new 20 stall yard sale, they'll get it." said Ms. Lampinen. She mentioned that previous trial runs fared well, with tiny trump merch flying off the patio. "It will be another eye catching 'must see'." she said.
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Contessa's Cantina will begin serving Italian food, as their name implies.
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And in an interesting turn, the Copper Pig, will no longer be serving, wait for it, Pig! "I'm going back to my roots," said chef Chris Dangerfield. "As my name implies I'm ready." When Dangerfield was cooking in Napa Valley wine country, he was amazed at palates of the very wealthy. "I want to recreate those menus featuring butterfly wings, sturgeon caviar, pickled gonads, and wilted seaweed." he drawled. "When money is no object then the object is no money," said the chef as he surveyed the two people in the dining room. The front of the house got a makeover too exclaimed Heather Reddon, the brains behind the CP. "I decided the French Bordello look is a good fit,"
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Poco Market has changed their name to Poco's Market. "It's less exclusionary," said Kelly and Ed. They are now are offering a special section, the gluten ghetto, fresh baked gluten." That will add to the remodeled dairy in the back. "It's an interesting new concept," said Kelly, "Our customers can milk the cow in back and get the freshest milk in town!" She pointed out that of course she offers gloves to those patrons leery of flesh.
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The Table has changed their name to The Counter, a new standing room only concept. "It's the latest in New York, and if it works there why not here? exclaimed owner Rob Page, on vacation, speaking with us from TimBukTu. "The response has been muted according to our reporter. One customer grousing, "I moved here to sit down. That's what you do in New York stand around; on the subway, in lines on the sidewalk, in the elevator, on the street. it is rare that we can even sit down. I don't think it will fly." She also expressed annoyance that in Bisbee, nobody was ever around. "To tell you the truth the clean air and lack of people is starting to get to me!'
...............POLITICS................
HILTON HOTELS MAKE MAJOR INVESTMENT IN BISBEE In a major announcement Hilton Hotels Inc, have purchased 100 air b&b's in Bisbee. "We think there is a growth market there. It is such a quaint picturesque town, our marketeers are already working on the ad campaign, 'Visit Europe in Bisbee'." According the same spokesperson, Ownie Alott, the company is actively working with airb&b to lobby for decreased taxes and to cover murals. "It's just a shame that the city of Bisbee is gouging businesses like ours. We bring revenue to the residents! We're just trying to help build this town by cleaning it up" said Alott. Town whiner, Downa Pooling, welcomed Hilton saying she hoped they would pay for the wastewater treatment plant and rectify the terrible mistake the city made two decades ago, "If they listened to me they wouldn't be in this mess!" <><> TRUMP IINDICATED In the never ending saga that is the life of Dunld Trump, or as he is called by that woman Stormy and his wife Melania, Tiny, he has been indicted, or as he texted INDICATED, on charges of using a payoff as tax write offs. He was accused by adult screen star Stormy Daniels, of not paying her for his very brief romp in a hotel room. "I mean jeez, the guy stiffs everybody, although maybe that is the wrong word." Tiny, presenting a formidable front and back, has said in his defense, "What maybe 5 minutes? I came and I went." The jury will see the evidence and make their decision in the months ahead. The Dunald assured his fans that even though Melania was pregnant, he used protection and he was the object of a vendetta by the media, the corporations, the politicians, the streetsweepers, and his 52 year old wife-who looks much younger-Melania. (She was named because of the popularity of melamine, otherwise known as Melmac, very popular in Yugoslavia.) REPUBLICANS CAN TOO CHANGE! Reflecting on current policies, the Arizona Republican Party has decided to take on the moniker of the No Nothing Party. "Our policies really are beginning to mimic the 1850's so why not admit it?" said spokesMan, Mark Miwurds. "We really don't want women to have equal rights, that is clear from our positions. Men on top." he quipped."We are colorblinded and election deniers and proud of it There is no reason for illiterate and non functioning society members to vote! They don't know shit, so ban them. And local control simply is another word for loco control. We know better cause we know nothing."
<><> JUDD HITS THE ROAD Cochise County Supervisor Peggy Judd has resigned saying she wants to go back on the road with her long estranged relative Wynonna. "I miss the singing really," she said. "I'm so over whining! Sing not Whine! That's my new slogan. All the libs-that's short for liberals-do is whine about elections, it's enough to drive me to wine." When asked about the looming water shortage in her district, she simply said "that cows need water and people need milk. It's a win-win no brainer." Tom Crosby will be playing second fiddle for the group, after resigning his supervisor job. Judd said of the fiddle player, "Ya know, he gets a bad rap cause he really is a clear thinker, but he just can't get the words to come out right." said Judd."I just hope he shows up for the gigs. He's got a history ya know." <><>
MASTURBATION STIMULATES MAJOR ERUPTION IN ANTI ABORTION RANKS
One major aniti-abortion groups has made a legislative push in 50 states to ban male masturbation. "We don't think wasting our precious bodily fluid is a good thing," spewed a spokesman, " We want more babies but less pregnancies, so conserving seeds of life is a must." He said, "that instead of squirting that load, as it were, we think banning masturbation is the way to go."
However another major anti-abortion group has not only defended male masturbation they have issued a pamphlet for boys and men 'For Wankers only; How to Masturbate". A spokesman said,"If men didn't put their thing in women there would be no need for abortions. Our organization feels that more masturbation will mean less putting in their things." They also have released an explicit video showing exactly how to, as their butcher said during the fire, 'grab your meat and beat it. The video skillfully utilizes young women illustrating mono-outercourse, a new term for masturbation the organization has introduced, as an aid. The vid is a best seller among high school males, and the organization has seen a fundraising spurt because of it.
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TELEPROMPTER READER CONTINUES FIGHT....
Attorneys for Kari Lake, the newsreader turned politician who can't read results, have taken their case that she was robbed of the governorship to...Traffic Court. "We haven't yet come to a dead end for our appeals. She is the elected governor no matter how many courts have denied her legitimacy. We think the traffic court will rule our way. Our back up plan is to plead our case in front of the Boy Scouts of America Council."
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FINCHEM TO ASSUME POSITION
Mark Finchem, the staunch election denier, has been named Elections Director for Cochise County by a Male. He said,"We wanted to restore the confidence game to the election process and we think that a patriot like Mark Finchem is the man and mustache to do it. He has pledged to count every ballot personally and that is the kind of person I looked for.' Finchem crawled out of his bombshelter on all fours, blinking in the sunlight and exclaimed, "I'm ready to assume the position."
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LEGISLATORS
In an effort to root out every abortion in the state, AZ legislators yesterday passed a bill that would charge any woman that had an abortion for murder. And her accomplice, and the doctor, and the nurse, and the city, and the county in which it occurred. "We're warming up the 'chair' for all these helpers and evil women." declared Representative I. M. Stoked. "If only we could bring back the stockade and the stake" he trailed off.
In other news about abortion, men who impregnate women who seek abortions are absolved of any responsibility for the pregnancy, according to a new law. The legislator behind the law, Igor Urox, indicated that laws should reflect the status quo-the exiting practice.
<><> CONFUSED ABOUT THE NEWS Tiny Trump was awarded $1 in damages for an incident 5 years ago on the slopes of an Idaho ski resort. "I thought it was something perverted. A body slammed into me and forced my legs apart", Tiny commented in court. After inspecting videos, the jury took 3 hours to return a not guilty verdict. The jury foreman sympathized with the accuser, and was overheard saying, "It was like hitting a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle." And in a not-related court action, Gwenth Paltrow was indicted for making payments to porn star Stormy Daniels. "These Thugs and Radical Left Monsters have just INDICATED me" she stormed. "Stormy was going to be a Goop spokesperson," said Paltrow, "That's all. There was no sex! ...Well maybe a little. Of course that's what happened with Tiny, very quickly" chortled Paltrow. Goop immediately launched a new product, the revelatory, don't waste an orfice, all in one C-VVAP; clit /vulva/vagina/anal/penetrator, for a healthy new you. <><> Vlad, the inept Russian leader, Putin, has been in failing health. Saturday he decreed that he should be called Rasputin.The one objection to this was met with "off with his head"; there were no other objections.
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The Word(s) today are April Fool's Day. From Wikipedia ...is an annual custom on 1 April consisting of practical jokes and hoaxes. Jokesters often expose their actions by shouting "April Fools!" at the recipient. Mass media can be involved with these pranks, which may be revealed as such the following day. The custom of setting aside a day for playing harmless pranks upon one's neighbour has been relatively common in the world historically Much more here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Fools%27_Day) ....