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BISBEE WIRE special edition 4/1/24

Hello,

This is a special edition of the Wire. Unbeknownst to many readers, we get a flood of anonymous emails that detail goings on in the very bowels of the city and behind the facade of businesses. We check em out. We also added more bodies to the research department for this issue and they spent many hours pouring over documents, talking to sources, and finally writing the gems you are about to read. We hope you like it.

fred


AROUND TOWN

First off is a big change here at the Wire. We are adding an Ask Anita column every issue. An advice column with opinions on issues of relevance to our 850 subscribers. With many years of getting advice from her husband, she feels qualified. "I welcome all letters; if you are hearing voices, maybe relationship challenges such as snoring/husbands' selective hearing & cleaning/excessive computer use, sex issues including lack of/too much/or none, reckless driving in the slow lane, marriage counseling, when to talk to your children about your relationships, nosiness about the neighbors lack of clothing, dog whispering, female and male hygiene, and all other issues on your mind."

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In startling news, KBRP is changing their name to KROC, as well as moving to a 24 hour music station with an total emphasis on christian music. The coup led by the group Christ or None (CON), said in their on-air statement that,"Contrary to the ten Jews, one Hindu, one Taoist two Rastafarians, 22 1/2 Atheists, several wishy washy-can't-make-up-their-minds, and a surprisingly large Zen Buddhist contingent protesting this change, those of us who are originalists and believe every word of the bible-even the contradictory and the dirty parts-we are the special ones not Jews! Christians, because of, you know, Jesus, deserve the most air time." They went on to say that, 'we have made a magnanimous gesture to the other religions giving them 10 minutes each at midnight."  In a video released by the KROC board-in front of an US flag with an embossed cross with Jesus hanging lifeless and superimposed with two machine guns-they defended the change by saying, "KBRP was down to 41 members, the community didn't step up-they didn't car, we had no choice." Mike Thornton, of the former Friday KBRP magazine now renamed the Haysus Hour, defended the change saying, "Oh Man, there is some solid music here if you don't listen to the lyrics and just let that christian sound wash over your brain. On a personal note, I was lost but now I'm found." In another change he announced that the former Wire segments every other week will now be the Trump & Trumpet Hour.


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Hair stylists, Donna (Red Shoes Salon) and Rachael (The Parlor) have announced Flat Top Flat Rate Fridays. In their promo, they mentioned that they are so over men with long hair that they are taking matters into their own hands, as it were, and for a flat fee will give flat tops for all boys and men. And women too although they said "we wanna stay away from that dyke look!. "I mean if men washed their hair (and the rest of their body!), it might be tolerable, but some of these guys, sheesh! As stylists and trend setters, we have an obligation to bring to Bisbee the latest au curant styles. In fact we just cut the entire staff of KROC in that eye catching LDS shaved buzz with a cross on each side.


CITY OF BISBEE

City Manager Steve Pauken has signed a new 20 year contract with the city. Said Pauken, "I'm only done when they haul me out feet first". The contract has a yearly bump of $50,000. The council had a particularly vigorous debate over the terms that was settled when councilperson Mel Sowid threw tomatoes at Mayor Ken Budge in a dunk tank.

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Treasurer Keri Bagley was caught squeezing a turnip at Safeway. In her defense she said, "It's budget time, I'm practicing getting blood out of a turnip."

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Library manager Jason Macoviak and services coordinator Alison Williams, emerged from a private meeting after discussing a complete overhaul of the library's functions. "We will vastly expand the library's selection of audio books because we know reading is really overrated, no matter how much the old people complain. And we will be featuring TikTok videos instead of story hour." he announced. Ms. Williams, vigorously defending the use of poetry for all library announcements said breathlessly,  "I mean we have got to get poetry to the masses, stop em smokin the grasses, getem in classes, take off the glasses, and up off their asses!"

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The city clerks office, in the restored broom closet that was in the former B&D bathroom, was all atwitter because the council was finally going to start fining city department heads in order to get their agenda items to them on time!

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Two long time residents, standing in front of their homes they refurbished five years ago when they moved to town, were getting in a tizzy talking about titles of the two city building inspectors  "What's with this 'building' inspector crap? No one is building shit! It is all rehabs and updates. They oughta be called gentrification inspectors. What is this town coming to with all these newcomers and their money?"

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New community planner James Stuart Emmanuel was seen wandering down Temby, scratching his head and muttering "wtf did I get myself into?"

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The Queen Mine Tour operators were at a loss for words when 47 drag queens came in the outfiting shed looking for the Queen Mime Tour. When later touring Main St., the queens were heard chanting, "We're here, we're queer, and we're going shopping!"

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The visitor center is closing because visitors can no longer find it. "I mean why bother?" said manager Heather Andrews.

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In a drastic name change, the Fire and Police departments will no longer be 'Chiefs'. Said HR manager Bee Wright, "In order not to offend any of our valued american indian sympathizers and woke poseurs, we have changed the nomenclature to read Head Honcho'"  Former chiefs, Richardson and Cox  had no comment.


.BISBEE RESTAURANT ROUNDUP 

Big changes in the local food scene. I'm not sure why it all happened this suddenly but restaurants have been known to do crazy things. Let's start with Cafe Roka...


Maybe as a result of putting the business up for sale it has freed them, but Owners chef Rod Kass and Sally Holcomb, who are married, are changing the name and introducing a new concept till...it sells. The name change will take effect in a month. They said they were really tired of people asking about the restaurant name, which is the first two letters of the first and last of his name.  Hence a new name change and a new concept. Chindia!


Kass "We have taken recipes from the two largest countries in the world, boiled them down, ha ha, to their essence and will present them tableside. Our main server Julie, will oversee presentations that will include flaming, sauteing, broiling, grilling, directly in front of the customer with their choice of 10 different kinds of rice . We'll also introduce a tableside raw bar for seafood, riverfish, beef, and fowl. It's a first in Arizona."


Kass added that there would be a slight price increase from previous prices given the cost of food, labor, wife, and dealing with entitled out of towners. Customers should expect about a $150-$200 per person  price with, drinkies, taxes, surcharge for the wife, and gratuity."


Said long time customer, I. M. Chuffed,"it"s about fuckin time for a menu change!"

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"Classical Quarry has a nice homey ring," said owner Dana House, "that's why we changed the name and the menu. We were really tired of meatloaf and burgers!" She went on to mention the soothing new color scheme of purple, puce, chartreuse, and mauve and that they would be featuring chamber music from now on. Of course it will be loud chamber music she stated chuckling. "And we're not getting rid of our popular Waffles and chicken," she state emphatically. "It goes well with the new swanky decor." She pointed to the unusual looking ceiling sound baffles and told us that putting the uneaten waffles on the ceiling really improved the acoustics. There will be toppings of your choice with the special maple syrup tapped by indigenous children from virgin trees, nuts from the island of Macadamia, and honey from bees that are massaged once a week in Hawaii. " "Price is no object for this quality," said Ida Gotrocks.The waffles are made of 100% artisanal wheat flour and stone ground by donkeys pulling the grinding wheel at the Weebe Phur farm. The free range chickens are hard to catch and often not found. The hidden farm, deep in Sulphur Springs valley, has no electricity and has an irrigation pipe that siphons water from underneath the Riverview dairy feedlots. A thriving secondary business is holding baptisms on the property because their water has 'that certain something for dunking'.

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Murmuring Midwest Minnow, a new restaurant in the former Screaming Banshee spot, is a fish house sublime. The staple of the menu is, of course, minnows!  There will be  flambé cooking, filleting, and plating of minnows so customers can get an up close look at what goes into the preparation that include worms. In addition to Minnows your way, the menu will feature Bluegills from Wisconsin, Muskie from Michigan, Northern Pike from Southern Minnesota, and that ole standby, Catfish from the Chicago river.

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And the owner of Thuy's Noodle Shop has stopped serving Street Food. "I'm done with It! It's time for high end Vietnamese food! Bisbee customers have never tasted the sublime Golden Noodles, that have gold threads right in the noodles!" she said. She mentioned that the pork and chicken she uses will be imported from Vietnam on free range boarts. "It's high time for high end!" she said emphatically.

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Taqueria Outlaw, one of the new restaurants in town, is already doing a makeover on his menu and the name. "Tacos," said owner Mike Clements, "are so old school and they just don't move me any more." His new menu at Tofu Desperado, caters to the ten vegans in town, with Tofu done as you like it; pan broiled, char broiled, charcoal broiled, oven boiled, stovetop boiled, pan fried, stir fried, deep fried, sauteed, steamed, braised, roasted, and sous vide. Although vegans are notoriously picky eaters-always on the hunt for protein in the unlikeliest places, Clements thinks his new menu will 'get em in the gut'.

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Le Cornucopia has dropped the pretense and will now be named Grow a Pair.  Owner Gretchen Bonaduce said,"I'm so tired of serving these teeny teeny plates! I don't know why I brought that concept with me from Hollywood! Those actors ever eat anything more than two bites? Does anyone know how much friggen time it takes to make them? Jeez diners, get a grip!" Her new menu will feature pierogis and bratwurst 4 ways with eight different kinds of sauerkraut, on top of  purple and red potato tots.

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The Copper Queen Hotel has thrown in the towel. Although the hotel is for sale for $12 mil, they will not be serving food any longer, but they will, however, be using the space for indoor yard sales. "Our customers need some variety when they come to Bisbee. With our new 20 stall yard sale, they'll get it." said the manager. She mentioned that previous trial runs fared well, with trump merch flying off the patio. "It will be another eye catching 'must see'. And a fuck you to Bisbee liberals." she said as she mopped the leaks from the roof

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Contessa's Cantina will begin serving Italian food, as their name implies. "We were so sick of Sonoran food," said the anonymous Sam. It was past time for a change. Although their new menu is a bit confusing with tacos and churros on the antipasto offerings.

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And in an interesting turn, the Copper Pig, will no longer be serving, wait for it.... Pig! "I'm going back to my roots," said chef Chris Dangerfield. "As my name implies I'm ready." When Dangerfield was cooking in Napa Valley wine country, he was amazed at palates of the very wealthy. "I want to recreate those menus featuring butterfly wings, sturgeon caviar, pickled gnat testicles, wisps of javalina foam, and wilted seaweed." he drawled. "When money is no object then the object is no money," said the chef as he surveyed the two people in the dining room. The front of the house got a makeover too exclaimed Heather Reddon, the brains behind the CP. "I decided the French Bordello look is a good fit, and those cheeky cutout pants for Michael and Darrell are a big hit!"

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Poco Market has added some pizazz and changed their name to Poco's Market. "Fuck it! I'm throwing in the towel, we be going all meat! It's less exclusionary," said owners, Kelly and Ed. In addition to a new special section, the gluten ghetto, they will feature an 'everything is used' concept with an emphasis on offal."This fits right in with our sustainability concept,'" she stated. That will add to the remodeled mini dairy in the back patio. "It's an interesting new concept," said Kelly, "Our customers can milk the cow on the patio and get the freshest milk in town!" She pointed out that of course she offers gloves to those patrons leery of flesh

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Sky Island Brand, in an astounding re-branding, has ditched grass fed beef!  Dennis & Deb Moroney have gone full Wagyu. In a short interview at the Saturday Market he said to me, "I get up at 4 every morning and massage six cows for two hours, Deb does the noon shift,  and then I do it again at 5 in the afternoon. They love it! And in fact I've really come to appreciate the closeness with my animals as I work on them, it's downright sensual. But I'm damned tired!" Deb said she did have to reprimand Dennis about the closeness that he has developed with two of the cows."It's bordering on you know..." trailing off.  Prices now reflect the tender(izing) care and start at $49.50 a a pound of ground round and $95 a pound for rib eyes.

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The Table has changed their name to The Counter, a new standing room only concept. "It's the latest in New York, and if it works there why not here? exclaimed owner Rob Page, on vacation, speaking with us from TimBukTu. "The response has been muted according to our reporter. One customer grousing, "I moved here from New York to sit down. That's what you do in New York, stand around; on the subway, in lines on the sidewalk, in the elevator, on the street, in apartments, it is rare that we can even sit down. I don't think it will fly." She also expressed annoyance that in Bisbee, nobody was ever around. "To tell you the truth the clean air, lack of people, and no incessant taxi horns is starting to get to me!'


.POLITICS

THE SUPREMES HEAR AN IMPORTANT CASE

Last week the supreme court heard arguments in a far reaching case that involved themselves. A watchdog group, Stop Our Supremes (SOS), had filed a case that forbid the nine justices from taking Stoopid Pills. Their argument, which resonated throughout the US, was that by continuing to take Stoopid Pills, they were jeopardizing a couple hundred years of legal opinion. The justices, looking dumbfounded when questioning attorney Shirley Youjest, stated they had a right to get the pills through the mail. Judge Clarence Thomas chimed in that he had taken the pills for years, even before the porn videos, and although they had been paid for by one of his benefactors, "that shouldn't count." Ms. Youjest replied, to the judges, "Only if it prevents stupidity, not aids it." She referenced the recent case where the supremes were mulling over banning an abortion drug received by mail. "Why did you even hear this case if it wasn't for those damn stoopid pills!


In the Mifepristone case, taking a pill prevents pregnancy. In your case, a pill enables your stupidity! Those pills should not be available to you until you resign from the court." said Youjest.


In a related ruling, an appeals court in Arizona ruled that the Texas judge whose ruling about the abortion pills that they considered, was so out to lunch they voted 9-0 to hang him.


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ALABAMA SEEKS TO STOP SPILLING SEED

MASTURBATION STIMULATES MAJOR ERUPTION IN ANTI ABORTION RANKS

The organization, Mothers and Others Against Nocturnal Spanking, MOANS,  have filed a lawsuit to be heard by the Alabama Supreme Court that would seek to make it a felony for men to masturbate. A spokeswoman said, "We feel it is a natural step after we've banned abortion. Those little sperms need to be cuddled, as it were, for Life." Left handed Supreme Court Justice Tom Parker, in particular, following his bible centered decision on IVF that frozen embryos are children, said that clearly the next step is stop those unborn children from leaving the body. "We need to inoculate against pud pounding! Wanking is against the bible," he spewed quoting Matthew 5:27–30 “If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.”


However another major anti-abortion group, Giving One Hand Up to God or GOHUG has not only defended male masturbation they have issued a pamphlet for boys and men 'Giving Yourself a Hand; Onanism for You". A spokesman said, "we really want to be a hands on group. To that end we released an explicit video showing exactly how to, as our local butcher said during the fire, 'grab your meat and beat it. The video skillfully utilizes young women, illustrating mono-outercourse, a new term for masturbation the organization has introduced, as an aid. The TikTok vid is a best seller among high school males. One mentioned he now had a grasp of the situation.  The organization has seen a donation spurt because of the vid.


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IN A RELATED STORY...

In other news about abortion, men who impregnate women who then seek abortions are absolved of any responsibility for the pregnancy, according to a new republican law. The legislator behind the law, Igor Urox, indicated that laws should reflect the existing practice. Senator Borelli chimed in, "Yeah if women can't keep their legs closed, what are men to do?"


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HILTON HOTELS MAKE MAJOR INVESTMENT IN BISBEE 

In a major announcement Hilton Hotels Inc, have purchased 68 air b&b's in Bisbee. "We think there is a big opportunity-a real growth market. It is such a quaint picturesque town, our marketeers are already working on the ad campaign, 'Visit Europe in Bisbee. (but speak english)' According to the same spokesperson, Ownie Alott, the company is actively working with airb&b to lobby for decreased taxes, widening the narrow streets and sidewalks, lobbying for cleaning up messy yards, and covering up colorful murals. "Bisbee is a quite colorful, so we are bringing in some beige and taupe colors to warm it up and tone it down.  We want to help build this town by spiffying it up" said Alott as he helped plant artificial flowers on the slag heap.  "We want visitors to be comfortable, like their in own homes and cities, not in some weird artists version of a town."

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KEEPING UP WITH THE TRUMPS

In a major announcement, the 16 major networks have agreed to all host a Trump hour every day across every platform. The sylphlike spokeswoman Ida Dewit, for the media consortium, intoned, "What's the fuss, get a grip people, covering trumpie has always has been about the benjamins! Look at the ratings dimmwits; not trump-down, with trump-up. He might be authoritarian dick-tator for the country, but he is damn good for us! It is capitalism folks, get over it."

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Tiny, as he is called by a number of women, has been accused of paying adult screen star Stormy Daniels, $130,000 hush money for not telling magazines about his very brief romp in a hotel room-when his third and current wife, Melania, had just give birth. "I mean jeez, the guy stiffs everybody, although maybe that is the wrong word, and I don't want to get screwed a second time" said Daniels. Tiny, presenting a formidable front and rear, has said in his defense, "What maybe 10 minutes? I came and I went. Ask Melania. And the payment is the biggest in history, right?" The jury will see a video re-enactment of the encounter, although one of her attorneys was overheard saying worriedly that,"with the huge belly droop, we may have an identification problem.".


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The first authoritative and exhaustive study of Donald Trump showed evidence of early onset dementia at recent campaign events-confusing names, invoking a racist dog whistle by calling Prez Biden Prez Obama, sending a love note to Putin, saying immigrants don't speak languages, and transposing geographical locations. The study speculated that this might be foreshadowing the alzheimer's that befell his father (the illness was reputed to be the result of a major curse put on him by a group of black voodoo practicing renters Fred Trump had booted out.) There was also speculation, not proof, that the mysterious red sores on his hands might be syphilis and that could account for his confusion.

In an analysis of 13,200 photos in the public domain, the authors concluded Trump has has not appeared in public without makeup for 28 years. And in a related forensic analysis of his hair, researchers concluded that his bald spot is now about 4" wide by 3' long. They have said that Trump is losing hair at about a 250 strands per year and estimate that by 2026, his thinning comb over will not be able to hide the shining pate. "He's losing it, he's a loser alright," said the analyst who pored over photos of the wind blown head. Trump has denied investing heavily in Rogaine. In another segment of the study the authors, citing a recent problem when Trump was stuck in a golf cart and could not exit, warned about the dangers of morbid obesity..........The Grifter (Melania's private name) has been charged with taking classified papers when he left the white house. In addition to gold bibles and ugly running shoes, he is fighting the case by selling classified papers to raise money for some of his 252 attorneys.

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And in Melania news...A draft of the $18 million 2024 election year contract between Melania and the Grifter (her nickname for him) has surfaced with some surprising conditions. For instance she is legally committed to only six monthly appearances with her husband from March to November, 2024. She does not have to kiss him ever. He is prohibited from touching her in public more than twice and then only her hand. And he must refer to her as Melania and cannot call her his wife in public. She also is granted and extra $5 million if he ever mentions the word stormy in any connection. She is guaranteed two massages a week, one shopping trip a week to whatever store in the world, and can stay in bed till noon if she chooses.  If the Grifter gets into the white house, Melania said she wants another stay at Walter Reed hospital to 'touch up' her 'rumored' 2018 breast enhancement and will not live full time in the 'decrepit' white house

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Ivanka, Trumps daughter and only real true love, has hired 17 publicists to 'turn the narrative around.' Consequently she has been seen doing many of the things that rich people do, like being in the sun and getting her hair done. She has not been seen with her father in two years. She denied rumors of  'going under the knife' and using a weight loss regime for fear of looking like her dad.Her husband, the dweebish Jared, touts himself as the Jewish guy who will bring peace to the middle east-for $2 billion, and marvels at the potential for beach front development in Gaza once the Palestinians are removed

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And Eric and Donald Jr. have been trying in vain to find a plastic surgeon to fix their chins. Meanwhile they are prohibited by a judge from coming into the New York office of the Trump organization because of incompetence. They have been seen at the National Republican Committee, with funnels to streamline the flow of cash to their father's attorneys

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REPUBLICANS CHANGE PARTY DESIGNATION!Reflecting on current policies, the Arizona Republican Party has decided to take on the moniker of the historic No Nothing Party. "Our policies really are mimicking the 1850's so why not admit it?" said spokesman, Mark Miwurds. "We really don't want women to have equal rights, that is clear from our positions. Men on top." he quipped."We celebrate whiteness and are proud election deniers. We are proudly anti-immigrant! And there is no reason for Arizonans to vote! They don't know shit, so ban them. Loco control is our motto. We know better cause we know nothing and we now have a leader that articulates knowing nothing,"  he said referring to Kari Lake. Miwurds, when challenged about costs incurred by no nothing legislators, had nothing to say about the doctor bills for so many of his party legislators shooting themselves in the foot nor could he explain the huge dental bills, paid for by taxpayers of course, from extracting feet from mouths.


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COCHISE COUNTY SUPE NEWS

When asked about the looming water shortage in her district, supervisor Peggy Judd simply said "that people need milk and cows need water. It's a win-win no brainer. What's the problem?" District 3 is shaping up to be a controversial primary because so many candidates want to be on the extreme right side of the ballot.

Supervisor, Tom Crosby, defending his sometimes circuitous logic, says he gets a bad rap cause he really is a clear thinker, but he just can't get the words to come out right. When asked about the huge legal bills run up by his and Judd's actions, he replied, "We, meaning the taxpayers, have deep pockets. This ain't the end of it." Crosby, a double dipper, is facing a challenge for his District 1 seat, and recently released his campaign slogan, Nobody Tells Me What To Do.

And the third supe, Ann English was overheard saying she is just bailing water to keep the boat from sinking.

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DAVID STEVENS DENIES SAYING COUNTING VOTES BY HAND IS A 'HAND JOB' Recorder David Stevens has seen the light and it has blinded him. "Joe Biden won the election?" he queried. "Preposterous! " They are still hand counting the ballots in forty states." He denied calling non-machine ballot counting, hand jobs. Mr. Stevens, who suffers from memory problems about his own actions, is running again for Recorder. Anne Carl, who is running a vibrant campaign for the Recorder job, suggested that he carry an digital recorder at all times so he can remember what he says.

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IS KARI LAKE DROWNING?

Attorneys for Kari Lake, the former newsreader turned politician, can't read. That is the conclusion of many observers because at last count, her 15 lawsuits have been tossed in just about every court imaginable, including the court of public opinion. Yet she plods on, not reading legal decisions, filing one more appeal to...Traffic Court. "We haven't yet come to a dead end for our appeals. I am the elected governor no matter how many courts have denied my legitimacy. I can be the governor, I can be the Senator, I can be whatever anyone wants because there is no real me, no there there," said chameleon Lake. "We think the traffic court will rule our way. Our back up plan is to keep banging our head against the wall." The ambitious Lake is famous for squirming around while sitting on Trumps lap for a photo op.

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FINCHEM TO ASSUME POSITION

Mark Finchem, another staunch election denier, has been beaten in the courts so often he sounds like a drum. His latest quest is running for a senate seat in the Prescott area. In a presser he said,"I want to restore the confidence game to the election process and I think that a patriot like me, my name is Mark Finchem as I have said, is the man and mustache to do it.I can spend taxpayer money with the best of the them, I mean look at that million dollar grant I funneled to my friend David Stevens!"Cameras recorded Finchem crawling out of his bombshelter on all fours, blinking in the sunlight and exclaimed, "I'm ready to assume the position."

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ARE YOU CONFUSED ABOUT THE NEWS?

Ex-president Trump has to pay $1 in damages for an incident 5 years ago on the slopes of an Idaho ski resort. "I was just taking a break, the skier Ubie Wright said, "I thought it was something perverted. A body slammed into my butt and forced my legs apart". After inspecting videos, the jury took 10 minutes to return a guilty verdict. The jury foreman sympathized with the accuser Ubie Wright, and was overheard saying, "It must've been like getting hit in the ass with a 300 lb bass fiddle." The multiply indicted ex-prez blamed the whole incident on climate regulations in place by prez OBamiden.And in a not-related court action, Gwyneth Paltrow was indicted for making payments to porn star Stormy Daniels. "These Thugs and Radical Left Monsters have just indicted me" she stormed. "Stormy was going to be a Goop spokesperson," said Paltrow, "That's all. There was no sex! ...Well maybe a little. Of course that's what Stormy said happened with whatshisname; very little, very quickly" chortled Paltrow. Riding the wave of publicity, Goop immediately launched a new product, the revelatory all in one versatile C-VVAP; clit /vulva/vagina/anal penetrator candle for a healthy new you.


 WORD

The Word(s) today are April Fool's Day.  From Wikipedia ...is an annual custom on 1 April consisting of practical jokes and hoaxes. Jokesters often expose their actions by shouting "April Fools!" at the recipient. Mass media can be involved with these pranks, which may be revealed as such the following day. The custom of setting aside a day for playing harmless pranks upon one's neighbour has been relatively common in the world historically Much more here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Fools%27_Day) ....

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